Having Conversation with Elderly Parents
We are having a difficult time dealing with our parents whose health is rapidly failing. They refuse to discuss moving and are shutting us out. How should we approach them about these issues?
Why is anyone surprised that when a person refuses to consider moving out of their home. Especially when the move is to a nursing home – a term that my well be synonymous with the notion of end of life. Most children who are concerned about their parents make the mistake of thinking that they can rationally debate the issue and have parents to see the errors of their ways. Some parents are able to deal with it, though most are not. Put yourself in their shoes. A home represents everything in life – a lifetime of hard work; independence, symbolic and actual; and pride of being in control of their own lives. Further, the process of aging is slow. Changes that outsiders can spot quickly are something that the aging elderly will not feel or notice. It is like watching your own children grow. Each day they grow, but those who see the children from time to time will notice the growth while the parents may not. Similarly, those who are aging may not see the deficits the same way others do and when the deficits are pointed out they may dismiss it as being worries not based in reality. Further, remember, as a child your parents raised you and always have had the advantage of experience over you. So, when they guided you all their lives why do you think they will view you any different than the snotty nosed kid who knew little when you were young any differently today? The better way is to encourage your parents to seek advise on how to protect their assets and learn how to avoid nursing home stay. Keeping mom and Dad safe at home.This is likely their goal. And they are likely to listen to outsiders more than someone from their children with whom they have many contacts in many different contexts, most of them being in the context of a wise parent guiding a child through life. Don’t play the role of a teacher or someone who knows more than mom or dad, be the child the parent loves and cherishes – and encourage the parent to seek assistance to address concerns they can and likely do identify with. Have them speak to their physician or a qualified professional, including an elder law attorney.
Q. My mother just recently passed away. My father is 94 years old. He has a Trust that the home is in. The trust lists my oldest brother as executor of the estate and goes on down the line with my siblings. My oldest brother called a family meeting to take place this Saturday on the 24th. At this time there is so much bickering going on between the siblings that I sont think it is a good idea to have them all in the same room. The meeting, which I just found out today is to discuss what happens after my father is deceased. He does not have a POA for his bank accounts or medical. I feel it is more critical to take care of this while he is still living,rather than what is going to happen after his death. I moved in with my father as his Dr agreed he should not be living alone. I still am paying for my apartment rent until the end of Dec. I made a comment that I would like to be able to live in the house for 1 year or less after my father passes. This would give me time to get his house ready to sell, and find my own place. Am I being unreasonable? I am pretty much giving up my life right now to make sure he is taken care of. My father is so afraid of hurting all the siblings feelings and making them upset that he will not sign anything stating that I can stay here. Although he has told me that he does not have a problem with it, but the others might. I am so upset over this. This meeting has me in knots. Please let me know if you think I am asking for too much. Of course I will be taking care of my father, cooking, cleaning during this time. Thank you.
A. A most unfortunate situation. Sadly, your father is the one who holds all the keys to making this situation correct. You are not asking for too much, in my opinion, but that depends on the perspective of the one reviewing the situation. It would be advisable for all family members to work with a specialist who can actually help plan to protect the assets from long term care costs so there is something for them at the end of the day. And, no reason for you to be an UNPAID care giver. With a proper evaluation you should be able to put a dollar value to the worth of your services. More on this in an upcoming blog post. Rajiv.